Breastfeeding Battles

I started writing this post in November but got waylaid with Christmas and all...

Like many other mums I wanted to share my experience of  attempting to breastfeed. It's not one of ease and success but I hope it helps others feel they are not the only ones who go through something similar. Because hell did it feel like it was just me!

All through my pregnancy I was set on breast feeding. In fact I have no doubts that I was incredibly naïve about the whole thing. It didn't cross my mind it would be no easy feat. I watched the NHS DVD and spoke to a couple of colleagues and family members. I heard it was painful to begin with but improved. My mum had wanted to breastfeed me but hadn't been able to, still I didn't think it would be an issue for me.

I bought a breast pump and bottles in preparation for when baby was a bit older and his Dad and others could experience feeding him. Little did I know I would be reaching for them sooner rather than later!

It was in my birth plan that I wanted to try breast feeding ASAP after birth. When Eliot arrived I was exhausted and I was in my own zone.

The midwife who delivered tried to get Eliot to latch on but without success. We were swiftly moved down to the post natal ward where the midwife on duty that evening was very helpful with trying to get Eliot to latch on. We had some success as he latched on for a few minutes. But after that was a struggle, the midwife suggested it would be better to hand express and collect the colostrum in a syringe. Physically I couldn't do it, it sounds ridiculous but it in all honesty it creeps me out. I tried but just wasn't getting anything out. I had some help from the midwife which was bizarre and looking back made feel like an animal being milked on a production line! Still I really wanted Eliot to have the colostrum and reap the benefits.

The next day there were different midwives on duty. After trying to get Eliot to latch on myself without success I asked for help. One of the midwives said she'd come back to help.

So far it wasn't the 'magical' experience I'd hoped for. In fact it had been terribly distressing. Eliot had screamed and pushed himself away from me. Surely this wasn't meant to happen, was it? My baby surely wanted My milk that had been made for him!

 It was obviously a busy day on the ward and no midwife returned to help me try and get Eliot to breastfeed. I called for help again. When a midwife was free to help she attempted to help me to get Eliot to feed but to no avail. He again whipped himself up into a frenzy, pushing himself away from me, screaming. It was awful, all I wanted to do was feed my son! But you can't attempt to latch them on when they're in such a state.

That afternoon there was a breast feeding talk in the day room but it didn't inform me of anything I didn't already know. I went back to my bed disappointed.

Later a midwife came to me and said that Eliot's blood sugar was probably low and that this would make it harder for him to latch on. So would I be happy to give him some formula to get his energy up? Of course! I didn't want him to starve. So then Eliot had his first taste of formula. I was relieved he had some food but in turn, felt low I hadn't been able to give it to him.

 That evening the same midwife from the previous night was on duty with a student. Again she managed to get Eliot to latch on. On both occasions he had only been able to feed from my right breast. So I was then woken every two hours to have help hand expressing to collect colostrum to feed Eliot. Cripes! I really was on a production line.

The battle to get Eliot to latch on continued until we were discharged a few days later. He was unable to feed with my independent attempts or with help. I was told it was because my nipples were quite flat. It was my fault, I was a failure at feeding my own son.
I had some comfort when I was able to express my milk with the hospital machine. Never had I been more dedicated. I set my alarm to wake me through the night to go to the expressing room, to collect milk for Eliot. I was also topping up with formula.

Reflecting on my breastfeeding experience on the post natal ward, I was put under incredible pressure by all the heath professionals. This is just not right! Every mother who has/had difficulty breastfeeding already feels guilty amongst numerous emotions. We certainly do not need pressure from others or being made to feel guilty. Our hormones are rocketing all over the place, any small comment or look can trigger an ocean of tears or worse!
I was also put on a list to have a chat to the 'breastfeeding expert' who didn't show up the first day or any other after that! When I mentioned it to other staff I was told I'm sure she'll get to you later', then eventually, 'she can't do anything that we haven't been able to do'. Great! Thanks, thanks a lot for your help and support! Shocking.

On our return home I continued to express with a hand pump and give formula. This dwindled and within a few weeks Eliot was exclusively on formula. I had all the best intentions to go to 'Milk Spots' to receive help, advice and get chatting to other mums but didn't end up going. I suppose I thought it wouldn't be much different from my experience in hospital.

Naturally I continued to feel guilty and a failure. I was very sensitive to 'feeding' conversations. When the OH phoned from work one day informing me his boss had said 'don't give him formula, give him goats milk', I flew of the handle. I burst into tears, screaming down the phone that it wasn't anybody else's business  how we fed our son. And goats milk?!
Another time we were in a café and the owner was talking to us about his new baby. He asked if we were also breastfeeding when he saw Eliot being fed with formula. He told us how his wife had persevered and that it had been hard. Wonderful! Another story to make me feel useless!

No mother should ever be made to feel guilty about 'not' breastfeeding. We are well informed 'breast is best', if we decide not to for whatever reason it is quite frankly no one else's blooming business!

If in the future we have more children, which I hope we do I will try breastfeeding again. Next time I intend to try nipple shields to help baby latch on to help draw my nipple out. Or use a breast pump to do this prior to feed time. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out!
Next time I know it will be difficult, next time I won't be naïve!

What was your experience with breastfeeding?

NaBloPoMo 20 My Post Natal Ward experience

 I thought I'd post something I've been wanting to get done for a while. I also can't think of anything brave enough to share for Vonnie's NaBloPoMo prompt for today!

Wednesday 26th June 2013
After giving birth we spent are few more hours in the delivery suite. I was in my own little zone at this point after a long labour and needing stitches but managed to have a shower and get ready to move down to the post natal ward.
The midwife who'd delivered Eliot took us down to the post natal to settle down for the night. Each bay had four beds in and when we led to the bed I was allocated there was still rubbish and bedding from the previous person. My parents were with us at this point and were fuming to say the least. I'm crap at complaining anyhoo but I had no need worry my parents are experts and said their piece. We received an apology and I was taken to another bay which had a freshly made bed. Once I was as settled as I could be I said my goodbyes and my family left. I don't remember much else about that night. I did ask for help with breastfeeding but I will be writing a separate post about my attempt to breastfeed.

Thursday 27th June 2013
I was looking forward to leaving hospital and settling our son in to his first home. I sent the other half a text reminding him to bring the car seat when he came.
A midwife came and told me I would need an anti d injection (my blood is Rhesus negative) as Eliot had positive blood. She returned a bit later and gave me the injection, I was used to those as I had a few anti d injections whilst pregnant.
Shortly after, my first nightmare as a mother happened. Eliot was in his cot, I heard a strange noise and saw Eliot had brought up some clear liquid. Except he hadn't just brought it up, he was choking. I quickly scooped him up, put him over my shoulder and patted his back firmly. But I could still  hear him choking. I pressed the emergency button next to the bed with tears streaming. A couple of midwives dashed in, took him off me and simply turned him on his front and patted his back. Panic over. They explained it was fluid that Eliot hadn't expelled during delivery and it could happen again so I would need to do what they'd done. That frightened me, I hadn't read or heard about this happening to anyone.
One of the midwives returned and said she thought it would be helpful if I stayed in another night as I'd had a shock and breastfeeding was not established. I was happy with this as I was keen to get more help with breastfeeding.
Eliot later had the usual checks by a paediatrician, all seemed normal apart from one of his testicles. It hadn't fully descended but would hopefully sort out itself and be followed up at the eight week check.
Eliot had a few more episodes of bringing up fluid but I knew what to do so didn't panic.
He pooped meconium during a nappy change which went everywhere as the other half's mum picked him up. He also had his first taste of formula as breastfeeding was proving hard.
My feet and legs were incredibly swollen so I was given a pair of those oh so flattering white stockings to wear.

Some pics from our time on the post natal ward

 



Friday 29th June 2013
Eliot was still having quite a few 'sicky' episodes and the midwife on duty was not happy to discharge us. They wanted to keep an eye how often he was being sick. I was asked to keep a diary of  this, how much and what colour it was. More phone calls were made to say we wouldn't be coming home again. This is when it started to get me down, however if anything was wrong with Eliot we were in the best place.
The midwife said she'd asked one of the paediatricians to see us so Eliot could be checked over again.
We did not see the paediatrician and Eliot had more formula as I continued to struggle with breastfeeding.
My legs were still very swollen, so a doctor was asked to see me by one of the midwives. By this point the glam stockings were off, they'd been riding down and being a pain. The doctor asked me to make sure I wore them and to keep as mobile as possible. If I experienced any pain I would need to let someone know.

Saturday 30th June 2013
I had my fingers crossed that we would be coming home today. I updated the midwives with Eliot's sickness and was told we'd see a paediatrician today. The hours ticked by but still no sign of a paediatrician. It was coming up to 8pm, the time when partners had to leave. We spoke with the midwife and asked the paediatrician would be coming to us. She said they could still make their way round to us so the OH stuck around for a bit longer, both of us getting frustrated that we hadn't been seen. Still the paediatrician didn't get to us. The longer I stayed in hospital the more desperate I became to get home.

Sunday 1st July 2013
Around lunchtime I was told to take Eliot and wait outside the paediatricians room. It felt like we were waiting forever but eventually it was our turn. I was asked lots of questions as Eliot was checked over. New mum shock number two hit me when the paediatrician said she suspected he might have a hernia. What?! She wanted a second opinion and to take some blood to rule out any other possibilities. So over we went to the Neo-Natal unit, where the really poorly babies were. Very frightening. We were taken in an assessment bay. Eliot was placed under a heat lamp while the paediatrician searched for a vein to put a line in and take blood. I was absolutely dreading this. My poor baby boy only a few days old being prodded and pierced. Shockingly he didn't make a peep, he was too distracted by the heat from the lamp and sucking on my finger. What a relief, he appeared to be totally unaware he had a line in the back of his hand and a splint on to keep it in place.
Another paediatrician checked Eliot over and she agreed that he may have a hernia. But they wanted yet another colleagues opinion who was in theatre. So we waited some more. When he came to look at Eliot he gave the same diagnosis as the previous paediatricians.
In a daze we were walked back to the post natal ward and would need to see a surgeon when one became available.
Later in the day room with the OH and my parents the midwife who had delivered Eliot popped in to see us and wondered why we were still there. I explained the different scenarios that had kept us there and that we were waiting to see a surgeon.
Waiting was what we seemed to do a lot of! Surprisingly, the paediatrician appeared with a surgeon later that evening. The surgeon had a good prod and poke of poor Eliot and then completely surprised us when he said he didn't think it was a hernia.  Really?! After three paediatricians suspected it was! He was pretty certain it wasn't but told us some warning signs to look out for. Thank goodness our little man was not going to need an operation. I was even happier when the paediatrician said we could be discharged but it would have to wait until tomorrow.

Monday 2nd July 2013
I was much happier when I awoke that morning, knowing Eliot was ok and that we would be going home. A midwife came and checked us both over. My stitches were healing ok but my feet and legs were still puffed up so I would need to keep the stockings on for a while longer.
The OH arrived with the car seat and we took our boy home. I couldn't believe I'd been in that hospital for so long and got very emotional on the way home. It felt so strange to be back in the big wide world and not in the confines of a hospital ward. I know it was the best place for Eliot to be if things weren't quite right.
Unfortunately we were back at the hospital a few weeks later but that is another post!

Finally able to go home!!!

 

Did you have to stay in hospital longer than expected after giving birth?